Funny divorce or break up stories

[Hudson Margera-Hughes]

You also like commas a lot, too. Sounds like someone we know


I’m just pullin’ your chain, funster. Have a good weekend

Is that the vapester stealingster gonna nuke r/ona into space instead of relinquishing it to its rightful contributors faggotster or is that cuntrag cuckster bitch Fatrick?

You also like commas a lot, too. Sounds like someone we know


I’m just pullin’ your chain, funster. Have a good weekend

You also like commas a lot, too. Sounds like someone we know


I’m just pullin’ your chain, funster. Have a good weekend

Is that vapester stealingster gonna nuke r/ona into space instead of relinquishing it to its rightful contributors faggotster or cuntrag bitch faced failed sci-fister Fatrick?

 

[Torque’sHeadBump]

Is that the vapester stealingster gonna nuke r/ona into space instead of relinquishing it to its rightful contributors faggotster or is that cuntrag cuckster bitch Fatrick?



Is that vapester stealingster gonna nuke r/ona into space instead of relinquishing it to its rightful contributors faggotster or cuntrag bitch faced failed sci-fister Fatrick?

What that, funster? Your phone crapped out.

 

[BoomerSperg]

"What was your favorite painting?"
"I liked the grey thing"
"that's a wall"

fuck art

Art chicks are how I found out I had zero appreciation for art. I can't even bullshit long enough to get laid.

Not an ex but a family member wanted me to take their step cousin or something from their wife's side out on a date and the girl wanted to go to muesem. I don't really want to until he shows me her photo and I see how stacked she is. I can put up with some shitty drawings for an hour for a nice rack, I think to myself.

We get there and I'm taking 5 seconds to look at each painting and deciding its nice or shitty and she's staring at them for so long I start to wonder if she's retarded.

After an hour I'm ready to leave and go eat and she hasn't even left the first exhibit. She had to "take in each painting and try to understand the artists message."

I asked what message she was going to find in a shitty drawing of an old diner.

I did not get laid.

 

[BonnieMcFarlaneMe2]

I just remembered, another story I totally buried in my memories, when I was 16 I dated a girl in Cambridge, Ontario, and she would just constantly cheat on me with a black guy who lived next door, I didn't have the skill set to tell her to stop, we broke up when she got pregnant

Was it yours?

 

[guest]

My ex told me I didn't sexually satisfy her. Why would I care?

Cause you prefer men.

 

[guest]

Hooked up with a server at a work Xmas party. Crazy bitch but she had a tight body and was a goer. Hooked up a few more times but she started acting increasingly erratic. 4th or 5th hookup we were in her exceedingly shitty apartment with paper thin walls, about 3am and she's pacing and mumbling to herself about me. I say "alright I'm gonna take a leak and leave I don't think we should see each other anymore." I piss all over her toilet seat and try to conjure a shit so I can upper decker this dumb cooz, but can't quite get a turd to turtle. I leave the bathroom and she's sitting at her small kitchen table and my jacket is gone. The jacket has my keys in it. "Where'd you put my jacket?"


She starts screaming out "you're hurting me, OWWWW, STOP" over and over. And just staring into my eyes. I didn't beat her over the head like Cow Eyes Cumia. I apologized and said I was being rash. We sat and watched a movie and the first hint I had she was asleep I went looking for my coat and found it under her bed. I yelled out "fuck you cunt" as I walked out the door at about 5am. Her revenge was to fuck a 19 year old dishwasher (she was 28) and we all made fun of her until she quit.

Sounds far-fetched

 

[Africa.com]

Sounds far-fetched

Hand to god.

 

[satanssockpuppet]

I had a friend who, at age 38-39, suddenly became obsessed with getting married and having kids. He ended up meeting a weird, mousy, kind of cross-eyed girl who agreed to go out with him a second time, and he went full retard, braying on Facebook about how wildly in love he was and etc. They'd been out maybe nine or ten times, and the retard went out and bought a $7500 engagement ring. They went to Vegas for the weekend, and he was on social media telling everyone how it was going to be the greatest weekend of his life.

So he made a reservation at that gay revolving restaurant on top of the Stratosphere tower, for the two of them and two of his friends who tagged along. After they ate he asked her to go outside on the observation deck thing for pics, and he got down on one knee and did the whole "will you marry me?" bit. She ran away in horror, leaving him kneeling there like a complete pud, then she started yelling at his dumbfounded friends, asking them if they knew he was doing this, then she fled. He chased after her, begged her to stay, then had to drive her home right then (to CA), in the middle of the night. She never spoke to him again after that.

He was telling me this story and I burst out laughing, and he got all pissy about it. Then he wrote a bunch of really shitty songs about how lovelorn he was, and I kind of stopped talking to him after that.

 

[Smeckler's Powder]

I had a friend who, at age 38-39, suddenly became obsessed with getting married and having kids. He ended up meeting a weird, mousy, kind of cross-eyed girl who agreed to go out with him a second time, and he went full retard, braying on Facebook about how wildly in love he was and etc. They'd been out maybe nine or ten times, and the retard went out and bought a $7500 engagement ring. They went to Vegas for the weekend, and he was on social media telling everyone how it was going to be the greatest weekend of his life.

So he made a reservation at that gay revolving restaurant on top of the Stratosphere tower, for the two of them and two of his friends who tagged along. After they ate he asked her to go outside on the observation deck thing for pics, and he got down on one knee and did the whole "will you marry me?" bit. She ran away in horror, leaving him kneeling there like a complete pud, then she started yelling at his dumbfounded friends, asking them if they knew he was doing this, then she fled. He chased after her, begged her to stay, then had to drive her home right then (to CA), in the middle of the night. She never spoke to him again after that.

He was telling me this story and I burst out laughing, and he got all pissy about it. Then he wrote a bunch of really shitty songs about how lovelorn he was, and I kind of stopped talking to him after that.

HAHA HOOOLLLEEEEEE SHIIITTT

 

[Easily_Remembered]

I was in a relationship with a girl from Wichita Falls ( it's about 2 - 2.5 hours away). We'd see each other every weekend, and talk throughout the week.

Anyway, the relationship goes bad so I break it off one night over the phone. It wasn't an easy decision, because I really did like her, but it wasn't worth what it was doing to the two of us. She goes into hysterics, I am emotional myself, but I also have to get up for work the next day at 5 AM. I realize that nothing is going to get resolved over the phone, so I tell her goodbye and we can talk about it later. She keeps calling back to the point I have to mute the phone to sleep.

I wake up the next morning, and I had 19 missed calls. I get dressed, go outside, and she's parked in my driveway, asleep in her car.

She tried this again the next day, but this time she was parked waiting for me at my place of work.

 

[StlakerFatti]

I was in a relationship with a girl from Wichita Falls ( it's about 2 - 2.5 hours away). We'd see each other every weekend, and talk throughout the week.

Anyway, the relationship goes bad so I break it off one night over the phone. It wasn't an easy decision, because I really did like her, but it wasn't worth what it was doing to the two of us. She goes into hysterics, I am emotional myself, but I also have to get up for work the next day at 5 AM. I realize that nothing is going to get resolved over the phone, so I tell her goodbye and we can talk about it later. She keeps calling back to the point I have to mute the phone to sleep.

I wake up the next morning, and I had 19 missed calls. I get dressed, go outside, and she's parked in my driveway, asleep in her car.

She tried this again the next day, but this time she was parked waiting for me at my place of work.

She's a keeper, should have asked her to move in with you

 

[WhereWeAt]

I had a friend who, at age 38-39, suddenly became obsessed with getting married and having kids. He ended up meeting a weird, mousy, kind of cross-eyed girl who agreed to go out with him a second time, and he went full retard, braying on Facebook about how wildly in love he was and etc. They'd been out maybe nine or ten times, and the retard went out and bought a $7500 engagement ring. They went to Vegas for the weekend, and he was on social media telling everyone how it was going to be the greatest weekend of his life.

So he made a reservation at that gay revolving restaurant on top of the Stratosphere tower, for the two of them and two of his friends who tagged along. After they ate he asked her to go outside on the observation deck thing for pics, and he got down on one knee and did the whole "will you marry me?" bit. She ran away in horror, leaving him kneeling there like a complete pud, then she started yelling at his dumbfounded friends, asking them if they knew he was doing this, then she fled. He chased after her, begged her to stay, then had to drive her home right then (to CA), in the middle of the night. She never spoke to him again after that.

He was telling me this story and I burst out laughing, and he got all pissy about it. Then he wrote a bunch of really shitty songs about how lovelorn he was, and I kind of stopped talking to him after that.

What's with your friend? If you're 38-39 and unmarried as a guy, it's harder to not get married than it is to get married unless you're a completely awkward lost cause.

 

[WhereWeAt]

I was in a relationship with a girl from Wichita Falls ( it's about 2 - 2.5 hours away). We'd see each other every weekend, and talk throughout the week.

Anyway, the relationship goes bad so I break it off one night over the phone. It wasn't an easy decision, because I really did like her, but it wasn't worth what it was doing to the two of us. She goes into hysterics, I am emotional myself, but I also have to get up for work the next day at 5 AM. I realize that nothing is going to get resolved over the phone, so I tell her goodbye and we can talk about it later. She keeps calling back to the point I have to mute the phone to sleep.

I wake up the next morning, and I had 19 missed calls. I get dressed, go outside, and she's parked in my driveway, asleep in her car.

She tried this again the next day, but this time she was parked waiting for me at my place of work.

I already know at least one of you is in the Air Force.

 

[satanssockpuppet]

What's with your friend? If you're 38-39 and unmarried as a guy, it's harder to not get married than it is to get married unless you're a completely awkward lost cause.

He's a nut. After that, he ended up doing the same thing (minus Vegas) with another girl he'd been seeing for three months, and she said yes. During their first date, her insane alcoholic mother stole her car, went to a liquor store, got hammered, then crashed the car into a pole and a ditch. And he bought her another car a week later. She kind of looks like Olive Oyl, she cries a lot, she wears big hats, she shuns sunlight, and she posts lots of selfies where she's thoughtfully gazing at the ocean or flowers. Her mother lives with them now, and the mother despises him. The whole thing is a great source of amusement to everyone who knows him.

 

[Torque’sHeadBump]

During their first date, her insane alcoholic mother stole her car, went to a liquor store, got hammered, then crashed the car into a pole and a ditch.

Nooooo I didn’t steal her car, go to the liquor store, get hammered, then crash the cafe into a pole and ditch! (Drunken titter)

 

[Hudson Margera-Hughes]

Poor guy probably never got to nut

In my version of the story he nutted right in her pleasing lassie asshole. Every drop.

 

[Hudson Margera-Hughes]

What that, funster? Your phone crapped out.

WE HEARD YOU ALREADY, FUNSTER!

 

[guest]

In my version of the story he nutted right in her pleasing lassie asshole. Every drop.

She's a border collie in your version?

 

[Hudson Margera-Hughes]

She's a border collie in your version?

Lassie= slang for a girl. Aren't you a limey?

 

[guest]

Lassie= slang for a girl. Aren't you a limey?

Oh literal Hudson...

Yeah, it's a Scottish thing, but I don't think anyone under the age of 60 uses it anymore