Funny divorce or break up stories

[Hudson Margera-Hughes]

Oh literal Hudson...

Yeah, it's a Scottish thing, but I don't think anyone under the age of 60 uses it anymore

Well, for this fan fiction I'm a bringin' it back into circulation! Or is she more of a hen? Hmmm

 

[UnPRePared]

I had a friend who, at age 38-39, suddenly became obsessed with getting married and having kids. He ended up meeting a weird, mousy, kind of cross-eyed girl who agreed to go out with him a second time, and he went full retard, braying on Facebook about how wildly in love he was and etc. They'd been out maybe nine or ten times, and the retard went out and bought a $7500 engagement ring. They went to Vegas for the weekend, and he was on social media telling everyone how it was going to be the greatest weekend of his life.

So he made a reservation at that gay revolving restaurant on top of the Stratosphere tower, for the two of them and two of his friends who tagged along. After they ate he asked her to go outside on the observation deck thing for pics, and he got down on one knee and did the whole "will you marry me?" bit. She ran away in horror, leaving him kneeling there like a complete pud, then she started yelling at his dumbfounded friends, asking them if they knew he was doing this, then she fled. He chased after her, begged her to stay, then had to drive her home right then (to CA), in the middle of the night. She never spoke to him again after that.

He was telling me this story and I burst out laughing, and he got all pissy about it. Then he wrote a bunch of really shitty songs about how lovelorn he was, and I kind of stopped talking to him after that.

So when we were younger, and well before we left to go on the road, my brother fell hard for this gal.

I love my brother, and my God does he have a big heart, but this bitch didn't deserve it. She was a 5 at the most (nothing wrong with that), but she acted like she was a 12. Fucked with his head, and myself and our friends tried to tell him this. She ended up cheating on him with a very promising football player at school, and she didn't even hide it. I felt for Steve on this, it broke his heart and embarrassed him.


But then the fucking dunce corners me one weekend morning, when I'm still pissed and hungover from the night before, saying "Ray, Ray! I gotta have ya hear this!" We head outside so we don't wake my folks, and he proceeds to play this sappy-assed love song on acoustic. I can't even remember the lyrics, it was so fucking banal, and I was growing more and more pissed with each passing minute. Oh, and it was a seven fucking minute passionate plea kind of love song, the kind no woman or gay man wants to listen to.

I am tired, my head is pounding, I look like death, and I just listened to the one tune I'd call even worse than my own "Airport Song". But Steve is grinning like he just wrote "Bohemian Rhapsody", and he asks me "Whaddya think? It's good, right?"

I called him a fucking wanker and said anyone who'd write a song that shit wasn't deserving of love.

I was a right cunt saying that to my brother, and I still regret being cruel. But, lads and lassies, this is exactly why you let a Goddamn Scot sleep when he's still drunk.