THIS IS LONG, BUT I PROMISE ITS WELL WORTH THE CHUCKLES! EVERY SINGLE WORD DEMONSTRABLY TRUE.
My friend and I decided we'd just take off one day in 1992 and go down to Florida (about a 1,300+ mile trip one way) and when we got to Florida his beautiful custom Ford van his parents bought him broke down. That van was obviously where we slept while homeless tourists. So while it was in the shop we had to get a motel room for one night. Didn't have much money so a flea bitten, rat infested, cockroach motel was where we ended up since it was close to the shop. That "Heyyyy, hellhole!" shit hole dump was owned and operated by a Cuban dude. Because... Of course it's run by a fawwkin Cuban banana boat "Marielito" refugee in Florida!
We open the door to the room and flip on the light switch and multiple fucking cockroaches scattered in every direction! And by cockroach I don't mean the spic maid that doesn't clean shit. I'm talking Floridian
![Cockroach :cockroach: 🪳](https://cdn.jsdelivr.net/joypixels/assets/6.6/png/unicode/64/1fab3.png)
. The southern kind that crawl up your pant leg and try to bite your dick and sac while you're sleeping with one paranoid eye wide open. Always pull your socks up over the pant legs! Word to the wise, nigga!
We were so horrified that we immediately started plottin' revenge. And boy, oh, boy did we take revenge like a filthy spic done chainsawed up a family member!
Deeds of horror completed with cruel intent and pride...
#1: The tub drain plug was put in and we only pissed in the tub (with two exceptions, which I'll get to in #4) Besides pissing with reckless abandon into the tub we also dunked all the towels and wash clothes in the piss and hung them up over the shower curtain rod for extra lulz. We didn't fucking appreciate being accosted by nigger roaches for fuck's sake.
#2: I took a shit "upper decker" style (way before I heard about Jim Florentine's bit) in the cistern of the tank. Then flushed it a few times to teach a ssssssscumbag a lesson. That'll motherfuck 'em good. Fucking float into my country on an inner tube uninvited with your dirty roaches and your spic communism.
#3: After we slept on top of the bed fully clothed, jackets, shoes on and everything. That morning we collected a giant pile of spit on the sheets and put all our cigarette butts out in it. Then put the shitty fucking prison thin, bed bug ridden blanket back over it and stomped and smeared it all in. Jumped up and down on the bed like a 5 year old.
#4 & #5: Right before we bailed out we each took a morning piss in the radiator up against the wall and cranked the heat on full blast. Finally, we crafted a horrifyingly racist, hateful note and stuck it with a chewed piece of gum to the mirror in a last act of sheer, unadulterated, unmitigated defiance. Two
![Middle finger :middle_finger: 🖕](https://cdn.jsdelivr.net/joypixels/assets/6.6/png/unicode/64/1f595.png)
![Middle finger :middle_finger: 🖕](https://cdn.jsdelivr.net/joypixels/assets/6.6/png/unicode/64/1f595.png)
birds for you, vato. Nice cockroach infestation, stupid. Nice Chiquita banana Panama hat, stupid
You spic nigger, don't leave the vacancy sign on if you see two white northern dudes with long hair dressed in all black with 17" steel toe boots and full length leather trenchcoats looking like goddamn Heinrich Himmler. "We'll leave the light on for ya." Will ya, stupid? Yeah, you leave the light on so we don't see the cockroaches.
We may or may not have signed off with "say 'ello to me lil friend" with a crude drawing of a cock going into a spic mouth.
That's my nightmare motel story.