Favorite street jokes

[BonnieMcFarlaneMe2]

“A priest is walking a nun back to her house and he says ‘you know, you’re the third pregnant nun I’ve walked home this month.’ “But Father, I’m not pregnant.” “Well you’re not home yet either*.”
“Credit” to Jackie Martling on that one.

 

[Turk February]

Old guy takes an old woman home, says, can I maybe kiss you? Yes, Id like that? Can I maybe touch your tits? Yes I'd like that. Can I eat your pussy? Well, be careful Ive got arthritis. Guy eats the pussy and goes "WOAH THAT STINKS! IS THAT WHAT ARTHRITIS OF THE PUSSY SMELLS LIKE!? She goes, no, the arthritis is in my wrist, I haven't wiped my ass in 10 years.
Credit to Jackie Martling as well.

 

[Turk February]

A gay guy walks into a bar, every morning, and he leaves when it closes, his name is Pat Tomlinson, he has a drinking problem.

 

[BonnieMcFarlaneMe2]

“A pedo and a young boy are walking together into the woods holding hands. The boy says I’m scared. Pedo responds, you’re scared? I have to walk back alone.”
That one is from here I think:

 

[BonnieMcFarlaneMe2]

A gay guy walks into a bar, every morning, and he leaves when it closes, his name is Pat Tomlinson, he has a drinking problem.

“Two Jews walk into that bar and they yell, ‘leave fat boy! You’re not welcome in our bar.’”

 

[guest]

“A pedo and a young boy are walking together into the woods holding hands. The boy says I’m scared. Pedo responds, you’re scared? I have to walk back alone.”
That one is from here I think: [MEDIA=youtube]Y9MHQcDfAh4[/MEDIA]

It spoils it when you refer to him as the pedo

 

[BonnieMcFarlaneMe2]

It spoils it when you refer to him as the pedo

Don’t blame me, I didn’t write it.

 

[Turk February]

The very Jewish Rabinovitch can't sleep, he owes Rabbi Goldstein next door 20 shekels and can't stop thinking about it, his wife, oy his wife, absolutely frustrated, knocks on the wall and goes "Goldstein, Rabinovitch cant pay you the 20 shekels!" Sophia, why did you do that? Sophia says "Let him stay awake all night."

 

[Patrick O'Neal]

Two streets go into a bar. One of the streets tries chatting up a young woman. When that street goes to the bathroom, the other one warns the woman 'be careful of him. He's actually a cycle path!'

(this joke only works in one city in England. You're welcome.)

 

[Turk February]

White guy loves his wife, Wendy, he loves her so much he decides to get her name tattooed on his penis. Tattoo artist says you're gunna have to be erect for the tattoo, whatever. He goes to use the urinal and notices his dick, when shriveled up only shows the W and Y. Curious, he thinks, Black guy uses the urinal next to him he sneaks a peek, notices he also has a W and Y on his weiner, says "hah, funny, do you have a girlfriend names Wendy too?" Black guy goes "Naw, man, mine says 'Welcome to Jamaica, have a nice stay"

 

[guest]

White guy loves his wife, Wendy, he loves her so much he decides to get her name tattooed on his penis. Tattoo artist says you're gunna have to be erect for the tattoo, whatever. He goes to use the urinal and notices his dick, when shriveled up only shows the W and Y. Curious, he thinks, Black guy uses the urinal next to him he sneaks a peek, notices he also has a W and Y on his weiner, says "hah, funny, do you have a girlfriend names Wendy too?" Black guy goes "Naw, man, mine says 'Welcome to Jamaica, have a nice stay"

Alternate:

Asian guy uses the urinal next to him he sneaks a peek, notices he also has a W and Y on his weiner, says "hah, funny, do you have a girlfriend names Wendy too?" Asian guy goes "Yeah, Wendy Yang, I got her initials tattooed."

 

[Turk February]

2 guys drop LSD on a drive from Toronto to Buffalo, everything is going great but they see a hitchhiker dressed all in red. They pull over, hitchhiker says "I'm the magical faggot from Mars, please take me to Buffalo" That's cool, yeah, we can give him a lift. They drive about another hour, they're in the Niagara region now, they see a guy dressed all in green. "I am the magical faggot from Neptune, please take me to Buffalo." Cool, get in the back. They keep driving, they see a guy dressed all in blue. "Hey, magical faggot, what planet are you from?" "Sir please step out of the car and show your license and registration."
(I fucking hate myself for knowing this joke)

 

[DiarrheaDick]

Alternate:

Asian guy uses the urinal next to him he sneaks a peek, notices he also has a W and Y on his weiner, says "hah, funny, do you have a girlfriend names Wendy too?" Asian guy goes "Yeah, Wendy Yang, I got her initials tattooed."

A whole different version of the same joke I know of is:

"Why do you have 'Tiny' tattooed on your dick?"
"Cause when I get a boner it says 'Ticonderoga, NY.'"

Must be a regional thing.

 

[guest]

Two Garment District Machers bump into each other in Miami during New York fashion week.

Saul says to Murray, "What are you doing here? It's the height of the season! Why aren't you back in the city?"

"We had a fire" replies Murray. Saul nods understandingly

"For that matter," says Murray, "what are you doing here?

"We had a flood" Saul answers.

Murray- "How do you make a flood?"

 

[TheGhostOfAbeVigoda]

I have an uncle that everyone thinks is hilarious but he's actually just a loud prick who has memorized a shitload of jokes that other people told him. He also doesn't find me funny because I just say funny shit instead of telling jokes. If it's not a street joke, he doesn't realize it's supposed to be funny. I fucking hate that asshole.

When I was younger I was also the weird, quiet guy on a couple jobs because I was stuck working with joke guys. They'd all be telling eachother fucking million year old nigger jokes all day and they'd be like "tell us a joke, Abe" and I'd be like "I don't know any." Like, if you want to have a conversation about something I'll probably say a bunch of funny shit, but you faggots don't know how to be funny without a fucking template because you're jerkoffs.

 

[Imager]

I have an uncle that everyone thinks is hilarious but he's actually just a loud prick who has memorized a shitload of jokes that other people told him. He also doesn't find me funny because I just say funny shit instead of telling jokes. If it's not a street joke, he doesn't realize it's supposed to be funny. I fucking hate that asshole.

When I was younger I was also the weird, quiet guy on a couple jobs because I was stuck working with joke guys. They'd all be telling eachother fucking million year old nigger jokes all day and they'd be like "tell us a joke, Abe" and I'd be like "I don't know any." Like, if you want to have a conversation about something I'll probably say a bunch of funny shit, but you faggots don't know how to be funny without a fucking template because you're jerkoffs.

This is why I despise Cards Against Humanity.

 

[Imager]

What has six balls and fucks Mexicans?

The lottery.

 

[BonnieMcFarlaneMe2]

This is why I despise Cards Against Humanity.

I’m more of an Apples to Apples guy myself.

 

[Dog Eater]

A couple of guys are driving a truck across outback australia. They’re taking it in shifts and the one who’s sleeping is suddenly woken by a loud THUMP. He wakes up and asks what happened. The driver tells him it’s ok, I just ran over an abo. The guy goes back to sleep and before long is woken up by a CRASH THUMP CRASH. Don’t worry, says the driver, I had to go through a fence to get that one.

 

[Turk February]

I have an uncle that everyone thinks is hilarious but he's actually just a loud prick who has memorized a shitload of jokes that other people told him. He also doesn't find me funny because I just say funny shit instead of telling jokes. If it's not a street joke, he doesn't realize it's supposed to be funny. I fucking hate that asshole.

When I was younger I was also the weird, quiet guy on a couple jobs because I was stuck working with joke guys. They'd all be telling eachother fucking million year old nigger jokes all day and they'd be like "tell us a joke, Abe" and I'd be like "I don't know any." Like, if you want to have a conversation about something I'll probably say a bunch of funny shit, but you faggots don't know how to be funny without a fucking template because you're jerkoffs.

Good joke, but Jackie Martling told it better.