What’s the closest you’ve ever come to going to prison?

[Snake]

I once ripped the tag off a mattress.

 

[Phish]

My friend stole a BMX bike from a kid at the skatepark. I was with him. I helped him spray paint it and hide it. Come to find out it was like a 2k$ bike. We were only 13/14 yo so they made us pay the kid back and that was it.

The best hookup i ever got from a cop was when i got popped selling hash at a phish concert. (I know i know. How does that even happen? Ima retard). I had a vial of acid and 3 xanax bars on me standing by our car. I was 19/20 yo. The cop got me fair and square ina controlled buy. He threw the vial in the car and threw the xanax on the ground and crushed em w his boot and said “you dont need these felony convictions bro. Its gonna fuck your whole life up but i gotta take you in for something. Ill let you out before the show starts”. The acid+xanax wouldve FUCKED me. But i got a simple misdemeanor dist of weed. He let me go before the show began. Went to court (it was a bitch because it was 6hrs away) and there were people there with 8oz+ of molly, heroin, uhaul trucks full of nitrous. I got up to the judge and he said “13grams of hash? $800 and never come back to my city again”. I said YES SIR! and paid immediately after and no longer go to that city anymore.

 

[satanssockpuppet]

Many years ago I was working for a vending machine company and I had two scams going. First, I was clipping a buck or two from every machine and fudging the numbers, and I had 50-100 machines a day so it really added up. And two, this was during the era of cigarette machines, so I was swiping cartons from the warehouse and trading them for blow. I stupidly drove the vending van to my coke guy's house countless times. I was there one afternoon, making a deal for later, then when I went back to pick up my shit, his door had been kicked like fifteen minutes before. If I hadn't been delayed, I'd have been there when it happened. I got really paranoid and quit both doing blow and that job right then.

 

[guest]

I used to sell 2C-B that I made in my garage on Silk Road. I had a whole system for how I mailed the shit out. In order to set up shop I ordered a couple kilos of precursor from China and had some faggots from a drug website go in on the purchase, to get my cost down.

One day a year or so into the operation, it comes out that one of the dudes who went in on my initial precursor group buy was some kind of fed, he got doxed by some other drug faggot. Within a week of this happening about 15 separate shipments of mine all came up with some tracking message about “items at USPS lost mail center for claiming” or some shit - which due to the way I packed everything, there’s literally no possible way the packages became lost or undeliverable. I had insane levels of redundancy to prevent that.

I went into major damage control mode and cleaned house and went MIA online. Of course I was addicted to heroin at the time so I went back to selling 6 months later, but I’ve always wondered how close I came to having my door kicked down.

Realistically I was probably in greater danger of going to prison when I would drive around smoking meth in my car, but that would have just been possession.

I’ve been an accomplice to numerous Twitter bannings of a back alley looking Tunisian knife fighter. I’m so sorry, Keith.

 

[Dummy Gaynuts]

one time i accidentally saw up a girls skirt and I saw her drawers and her buttcheeks and I understand that this is illegal

 

[Harry Powell]

My friend stole a BMX bike from a kid at the skatepark. I was with him. I helped him spray paint it and hide it. Come to find out it was like a 2k$ bike. We were only 13/14 yo so they made us pay the kid back and that was it.

The best hookup i ever got from a cop was when i got popped selling hash at a phish concert. (I know i know. How does that even happen? Ima retard). I had a vial of acid and 3 xanax bars on me standing by our car. I was 19/20 yo. The cop got me fair and square ina controlled buy. He threw the vial in the car and threw the xanax on the ground and crushed em w his boot and said “you dont need these felony convictions bro. Its gonna fuck your whole life up but i gotta take you in for something. Ill let you out before the show starts”. The acid+xanax wouldve FUCKED me. But i got a simple misdemeanor dist of weed. He let me go before the show began. Went to court (it was a bitch because it was 6hrs away) and there were people there with 8oz+ of molly, heroin, uhaul trucks full of nitrous. I got up to the judge and he said “13grams of hash? $800 and never come back to my city again”. I said YES SIR! and paid immediately after and no longer go to that city anymore.

Holy shit dude that cop saved your life.

 

[Harry Powell]

I've got away with some ludicrous shit that I'll never share here or anywhere else there's a phone near to.

You eurofags don’t have a statute of limitations? I’m free and clear on all my past crimes baby!

 

[ThePepsiColaRapist]

Now I'm just imagining rob Petrie going medieval on someone's ass

Welcome to my childhood.

 

[guest]

You eurofags don’t have a statute of limitations? I’m free and clear on all my past crimes baby!

I'm a Britfag, Harry. Brexit, baby!

 

[Prince Bvstin]

15 separate shipments of mine all came up with some tracking message about “items at USPS lost mail center for claiming” or some shit - which due to the way I packed everything, there’s literally no possible way the packages became lost or undeliverable. I had insane levels of redundancy to prevent that.

This same thing happened to me with a sizable amount of oxy i bought online about 10 years ago. I freaked the fuck out as the guy in line in front of me at the depot was clearly collecting a black bag wrapped in tape that stunk of weed and I thought it was one of those "sting day" operations where they try bag a handful of crims at once. I left the store empty handed and tailed him around town till he got on his bus. When nothing happened i went and picked up my package and got high as fuck at work.

 

[Dennyislife]

Nothing really. Once as a kid was chasing some kids down the street with a sledgehammer and the local village policeman on his bicycle came around the corner.

Hilarious thinking back on it now. I was only about 9 and the hammer was nearly as big as me. What a little meanie.

 

[guest]

My cousin and I had planned to go boost a truck. On my way their I had a medical emergency. Passed out and hit my head, unconscious. I didn't make the gig.

He was caught and sentenced to 10 years. I did so well in that time and feel really guilty. He's getting out soon and we have some stuff planned for him, can't wait

 

[JoshFromMichigan]

My cousin and I had planned to go boost a truck. On my way their I had a medical emergency. Passed out and hit my head, unconscious. I didn't make the gig.

He was caught and sentenced to 10 years. I did so well in that time and feel really guilty. He's getting out soon and we have some stuff planned for him, can't wait

Hey, I thought you said you got jumped by a couple of shines!!

 

[WhereWeAt]

I've had a couple of Jamesons so I'll share my story.I used to freebase coke with my mom and gay brother. Robbed a convenience store and got caught. Judge gave me a choice - go to prison or join the army. I picked the army and am now a proud United States military veteran, father of four, and successful musical entrepreneur. Don't be jealous, LIBTARD.

I was ready to call bullshit on the whole story until you mentioned being a father of FOUR!

 

[Feltch My Ass]

 

[Jizz]

I've only been to jail but I'll die before I go back