- Forum Clout
- 19,133
My grandma got put into hospice yesterday. It kinda came out of left field as she was doing good and even wrapped up chemo recently. I lost my Dad (her son) to cancer 2 years ago. Her decline is eerily similar to his. They both fought for years and retained their independence and lucidity, and then bam, it just went way the fuck downhill, and it went downhill fast. She's buried two of her three children. And last year, she lost my grandfather, during the height of COVID. Leaving her even more isolated and alone.
I don't know what the fuck my Dad's side of the family did to piss off God so much. I didn't think all my grandparents would be dead before I turned 30. I feel the worst for my aunt, though. She's lost her brother, father, and now her mother in less than 3 years. Any one of those is a brutal loss, but to have them all fall in such rapid succession is even worse.
I wish I'd done a better job of keeping in touch with my grandma. My Dad was always a fuck up and I am no different. I've gotten my shit together considerably in the last 4 years but the shame of all the shit I did to get there kept me from reaching out a lot of the time. And eventually I would call her, and she'd be really happy to hear from me. I'm gonna go see her tomorrow. I owe her that much. I'm really nervous but I'm not gonna let the rest of my family, or what's left of it at this point, deal with all this while I hide from my feelings like Nana. I have enough regret in my life.
And my Mom is just done with life. She's a late stage alcoholic and it's destroying her body and mind. She's gonna be in Lady Di territory soon. She just wants to die and be with my Dad in heaven. I did try to help her. But she'd just remind me of how I spent much of my early-mid 20's snorting, shooting, and smoking anything in arm's reach. In her mind that's way worse than drinking 30 beers a day. I don't buy that part of the argument. But I do still drink. So where the fuck do I get off telling anyone to get sober? Then I think about all the shit I put her through by fucking up in school, dropping out, getting into drugs, dealing, using, lying, overdosing, and I wonder if her drinking ever would've gotten out of control to begin with if I had just been a better kid.
Right now I'm just trying to be sober and supportive and present while my grandma passes. Typical junky. Doing the bare minimum of what's expected of them and expecting validation and praise. lol.
Anyways how have you guys been?
I don't know what the fuck my Dad's side of the family did to piss off God so much. I didn't think all my grandparents would be dead before I turned 30. I feel the worst for my aunt, though. She's lost her brother, father, and now her mother in less than 3 years. Any one of those is a brutal loss, but to have them all fall in such rapid succession is even worse.
I wish I'd done a better job of keeping in touch with my grandma. My Dad was always a fuck up and I am no different. I've gotten my shit together considerably in the last 4 years but the shame of all the shit I did to get there kept me from reaching out a lot of the time. And eventually I would call her, and she'd be really happy to hear from me. I'm gonna go see her tomorrow. I owe her that much. I'm really nervous but I'm not gonna let the rest of my family, or what's left of it at this point, deal with all this while I hide from my feelings like Nana. I have enough regret in my life.
And my Mom is just done with life. She's a late stage alcoholic and it's destroying her body and mind. She's gonna be in Lady Di territory soon. She just wants to die and be with my Dad in heaven. I did try to help her. But she'd just remind me of how I spent much of my early-mid 20's snorting, shooting, and smoking anything in arm's reach. In her mind that's way worse than drinking 30 beers a day. I don't buy that part of the argument. But I do still drink. So where the fuck do I get off telling anyone to get sober? Then I think about all the shit I put her through by fucking up in school, dropping out, getting into drugs, dealing, using, lying, overdosing, and I wonder if her drinking ever would've gotten out of control to begin with if I had just been a better kid.
Right now I'm just trying to be sober and supportive and present while my grandma passes. Typical junky. Doing the bare minimum of what's expected of them and expecting validation and praise. lol.
Anyways how have you guys been?
