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Official: Post a photo of yourself

RobertMewler

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Women have told me I look like Timothy McVeigh (always wonderful to get compared to a domestic terrorist instead of George Clooney) but I act like romcom John Cusack.

Timmy got executed by the state before 9/11 and Cusack's Hollywood career as a leading man is dead because he hates Jews. Write your own punchline to that setup.
 

TorqueWheeler

An enormous amount of muscle.
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Women have told me I look like Timothy McVeigh (always wonderful to get compared to a domestic terrorist instead of George Clooney) but I act like romcom John Cusack.

Timmy got executed by the state before 9/11 and Cusack's Hollywood career as a leading man is dead because he hates Jews. Write your own punchline to that setup.
You appear to be inexplicably tall based on the Joseph Cumia scale. I assume you’re an NBA superstar?
 
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You appear to be inexplicably tall based on the Joseph Cumia scale. I assume you’re an NBA superstar?

Unlike Patrick S Tomlinson, I played sports in high school. If you ever get your hands on a copy of my yearbook, you'll see me in the team photograph smiling like a retard. That being said, I am so fucking bad at basketball. My body just cannot compute how to put the damn ball in the damn basket. I spent so many goddamn periods in gym class trying to figure out a layup, bricked it every time. The worst part is the two sports I'm naturally gifted in (hockey and water polo) - my high school didn't have them as sports.
 

TorqueWheeler

An enormous amount of muscle.
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76,576
Unlike Patrick S Tomlinson, I played sports in high school. If you ever get your hands on a copy of my yearbook, you'll see me in the team photograph smiling like a retard. That being said, I am so fucking bad at basketball. My body just cannot compute how to put the damn ball in the damn basket. I spent so many goddamn periods in gym class trying to figure out a layup, bricked it every time. The worst part is the two sports I'm naturally gifted in (hockey and water polo) - my high school didn't have them as sports.
I’m eagerly awaiting a signed copy of said year book.
 

UnPRePared

For the last time, I am NOT James Arness!
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Can't be. Between being nice and simply posting here, I was convinced you were a great big fat person.

I showed your picture to Mal, @RobertMewler - keep in mind, she knows of what I do here, and especially of what you do here with your reports.

She just paused for what felt like an eternity, looked back at me and said "someone that pretty shouldn't be that funny."

I think that's the nicest compliment I've ever heard her give anyone.
 
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I’m eagerly awaiting a signed copy of said year book.

Dude, I have three batshit crazy stories involving high school classmates, all of which are Hollywood related. But all of which can be easily traced back to me so I can't tell them. My sort of high school rival, my ex, and a girl that I'm fairly certain had a huge crush on me.

But the details. These stories involve Saturday Night Live, an alleged hate crime, a $1 million graduation present to kickstart your Hollywood career, a prank phone call on a radio show where I was the main subject, a second separate thing involving a current cast member of SNL, and two different Golden Globe nominations, one win one loss. And I'm still just a faggot angry that my high school didn't have a hockey team because I was a damn good stay-at-home defenseman.
 
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