Ghetto tales actual midget sighting and kidnapping

[Say “Cookie”]

I love the midget story. Midget anything gets my ribs.

 

[JesseTheGovernor]

I lived in a mostly black area in my 20s and it was somehow a university campus area. I think they plopped it in there to gentrify the area and it just never happened. Sexual assaults and robberies were frequent. The campus was like a watering hole in Africa where gazelles have to risk going for a drink while crocodiles and lions hang around for an easy target. They’d send out emails to students about campus/area crimes and they’d never discuss race. Just shit like “male, 6 ft, wearing hoodie”. Like ok thanks that helps narrow it down.

There was a shooting on campus but it was an “accident”. Some idiot brought a gun to this on-campus bar area, dropped it and it went off twice I think. One bullet bounced and hit a girl in the ass, another hit a girl in the back I think. Dude picks up his gun and runs off but there are cameras legit everywhere on that campus. So they just track his direction then had some witnesses point out where he went. He went to some stash house and brought the gun with him. So the cops came, found the weapon there and then arrested everyone else for dealing. I’m sure that dude got shanked in prison.

Two young Somali looking teens tried to rob me one night. I got punched once and I hammered the one who did it and the other ran off to get a gun or his 14 cousins named Abdihasim or whoever so I took that opportunity to head home while his friend sulked on the ground.

I was on a run one night and I had headphones on. I saw a big fat black lady standing in the middle of the sidewalk looking my way and talking. I took a headphone out to hear what she was saying and she was just saying shit like “what you doin’ in my hood white boy! You get off my sidewalk! Yeah dats right you get!” and I laughed and just ran by her. She probably died months later from diabetes.

Another time I was in the grocery store and this strung out black chick was out front begging for money. She wasn’t dressed that badly but she was clearly a mess. A recent convert to hoboism, I thought. She was young-ish too like 25-30. She was saying “one dolla please” to people with a clear desperation in her eyes. I walked passed her, do my shopping, in line paying and I felt a coldness wash over me. I hear “one dolla please sir, please” and I look over and this lady is now in the store bugging people at the dash and I’m face to face with her. She looks like a ghost to me, a vessel looking to fill itself with whatever drug it needed. I felt extreme pity for her and gave her $5. I later regretted giving that $5, I felt conned as I do with the homeless and junkies. But fuck it, hopefully that’s fewer sweaty cocks she had to suck.

One time some clearly drunk black dealer was waiting for the elevator next to me and my GF. We are on campus so I know he isnt a student with how he looks. I assumed he was dropping off drugs. He is playing music on external speakers as “those people” love to do. I am from this area so I have “street sense” or whatever, and part of that is simply knowing when to avoid a situation. Getting into an elevator at midnight in a ghetto area with a black dude who reeks of vodka and is blaring music is an easy “avoid”. But before I can tell my GF let’s take the stairs or wait for the next elevator, she naively gets in because she was from a wealthy white area and just doesn’t get it. I try to ride it out, but my GF butts in and asks the guy to turn his music down for the sake of students since it was midnight. Dude goes “excuse me? Do you want to know what car I drive? Do you want to know what I do for a living? Would you like to know my moms name?” and Qs like that, implying she is nosey and whatever and to mind her business. Every time he ended a question he stepped closer to her and put his head towards her face. I stepped in between and said cool it, and now we are arguing. Elevator stops, door opens, I get off and stand in the doorway so he can’t follow or see where we are going. He demands I move and I say no. Turns out he needed to get off here too so I let him off and we keep arguing. Doors are opening with scared students seeing a white guy arguing with a black guy and they just quickly shut and say nothing, of course. The dude makes it racial almost immediately, starts going on about his issues and how hard it is being black and I go what the fuck do I care, stop acting like an asshole you’ll life will improve. And he blurts out “yeah thats the problem, you dont care! You white people dont care! Well your time is over! Its our time now!” Now I’m stupid enough to argue with this dude, but not stupid to get baited into a racial debate with a drunk black dude on a university campus. So I just continued insulting him and telling him to fuck off or blow me. He kept taking his coat and bag off as if he was gunna fight and just never did anything, then he’d put em back on and repeat the process. Eventually some strung out white lady came rushing into the hall and started yelling at him and shoving him away into her apartment while apologizing to me. I assume she banged him for coke or something. He continued yelling well after he was inside. I assume she is dead now. Epilogue: My GF panicked and called security and they wouldnt come when they heard the argument in the background, saying it was “too dangerous”. So they called cops and they arrested that dude a bit later on so I was told.

I’ve told this one before but Oh well. I was friends with some black chicks. Three of them rented a house with a big fat negress that they didnt like. I pick the 3 of them up one night, one gets a call from Fatty that someone has to move a car because her BF is coming to stay the night and has to park. We go back to do her a solid. She is on the porch PISSED for some reason. Girl gets out of my car to go move her car. Fatty is chirping at her from the porch, skinny girl chirps back as she is getting into her car. Fatty comes rumbling down the driveway, lands blow after blow on skinny girl, her weave goes flying in the air and it just becomes a tornado of slaps, nails, and shouting. Her two friends get out to help her and get that moose off the girl. Fatty’s BF is now on the porch and I am in the car looking at him like Lee Trevino from Happy Gilmore. He shrugs with a heck whaddo I know! face. Fatty is now chasing the one girl down the street yelling while skinny chick yells back “haha you’ll never catch me you fat ho!”. It was amazing. The 3 got in my car and we left and just around the corner there was a cop parked having a coffee so they got me to pull over and ran over to the cop car. He needed me to give a statement and he was keeping it professional but he chuckled a bit. I know he was gunna have a good laugh with the boys when reading the report later on.

I am currently at my GFs parents cottage and it sucks so I went full Joe Cumia length. My apologies.

 

[JesseTheGovernor]

I love the midget story. Midget anything gets my ribs.

I was in Greece and I met this dude named Andreas who illustrated comics for a living. He told me a story about how he and his two friends did a bunch of mushrooms. One friend starts tripping kinda bad, so naturally they leave him alone and go off into the streets. They get a call from him panicking and he says he is seeing dwarves and hobbits everywhere and he just caught one and has it in the closet. They are like yeeeeaaah ok pal sure sure, we’ll come check on you just relax. So they head back to their spot and there is some either midget parade or disability awareness parade thing with a midget section going down the street. I forgot exactly what it was. Their high friend saw this, panicked, and in the words of Andreas “knocked one of them on the head, wrapped him up like a salami, and popped him in the closet”. They open the closet and there is this tied up midget, shaking and panicking. They had to unwrap him and let him go. I was dying laughing when he told me this story. The thought of viewing it from the midget’s perspective when the closet door opens and 3 super high guys are staring at him just killed me. Or the thought of a high guy snatching a midget from a parade and nobody helping.

 

[Say “Cookie”]

I was in Greece and I met this dude named Andreas who illustrated comics for a living. He told me a story about how he and his two friends did a bunch of mushrooms. One friend starts tripping kinda bad, so naturally they leave him alone and go off into the streets. They get a call from him panicking and he says he is seeing dwarves and hobbits everywhere and he just caught one and has it in the closet. They are like yeeeeaaah ok pal sure sure, we’ll come check on you just relax. So they head back to their spot and there is some either midget parade or disability awareness parade thing with a midget section going down the street. I forgot exactly what it was. Their high friend saw this, panicked, and in the words of Andreas “knocked one of them on the head, wrapped him up like a salami, and popped him in the closet”. They open the closet and there is this tied up midget, shaking and panicking. They had to unwrap him and let him go. I was dying laughing when he told me this story. The thought of viewing it from the midget’s perspective when the closet door opens and 3 super high guys are staring at him just killed me. Or the thought of a high guy snatching a midget from a parade and nobody helping.

This story really hurt my ribs. So fucking funny. Thank you for sharing it.