Shitty stories

[Build Black Better]

One of my replies in another thread got me thinking this topic needs its own thread. Stories involving shit, preferably pranks, that have been witnessed or committed by you. C'mon, @chocolatehellhole, you must have been a big time shit felon.

My first short story is hiding a few sticky logs under the toilets in high school and enjoying listening to loud and creatively phrased complaints about the smell every time I was in the restroom for the next few days.

Pictures of your own work or other people's work are welcome (fuck copyright laws, this is fair use)

I was excited about starting my new job as a chauffeur because of their brand new fleet of limos, but the first time I walked into the restroom it was as far from brand new as you could get. It almost looked as bad as the picture above. I told my boss about it, and he was pretty embarrassed and at a loss for words. I wasn't worried about getting blamed for it, because it looked like the cumulative dried up work of 100 men and hadn't been cleaned for years. It was a brand new location for the company but in a shitty old industrial building next to Newark airport. Not sure if they ever managed to get it cleaned up, because I decided pissing in Snapple bottles and throwing in them in the gas station trash was a more sanitary way to go. The only good thing is that it still hurts my ribs every time I think about that literal shithole restroom. If only those high level executives riding in the backseat of my fancy limo knew what the company restroom looked like.

 

[Dog Eater]

I knew a guy in high school who shit in another guy’s shoe at a party.

When I was 13 I threw a dried up dog turd at another kid with my bare hands.

I worked with a guy who would get in early in the morning and go to the women’s toilets, shit in one, pinch off and waddle to the second, shit in there then waddle to the men’s and wipe and flush. Little morning present for the ladies.

 

[Build Black Better]

.

I knew a guy in high school who shit in another guy’s shoe at a party.

When I was 13 I threw a dried up dog turd at another kid with my bare hands.

I worked with a guy who would get in early in the morning and go to the women’s toilets, shit in one, pinch off and waddle to the second, shit in there then waddle to the men’s and wipe and flush. Little morning present for the ladies.

Maybe I shouldn't have started this thread. I have the feeling I'm going to literally bust a rib reading these stories. I guess I'm not that much better than chocolatehellhole after all.

 

[guest]

I knew a guy in high school who shit in another guy’s shoe at a party.

When I was 13 I threw a dried up dog turd at another kid with my bare hands.

I worked with a guy who would get in early in the morning and go to the women’s toilets, shit in one, pinch off and waddle to the second, shit in there then waddle to the men’s and wipe and flush. Little morning present for the ladies.

Your ex coworker rules.

 

[FranksWirecutters]

Remotely shit related. My wife was searching food Cleveland is famous for. I told her they're really famous for Cleveland steamers and to Google it.

She did and told me she hates me.

 

[guest]

When I was 14 I went on a school trip and a friend of mine shat in a large cup and spread some with a butter knife on this dork James's cheek while he was sleeping. He woke up with a rash where the turd was and claimed, probably as a cope because a dorm full of boys was laughing at him, that he knew it was wholegrain mustard not shit because he was allergic to it.

The same friend went through a phase of being "the phantom shitter" at school and laying pipe in various toilet sinks around the school. He was never caught and only confessed to our group of friends like 10 years ago. He clearly had some shitting based mental illness because he used to pull down his keks and make potty in public quite frequently. I saw him do it in a phone box on the King's Road in Chelsea, off the side of a barge in Battersea, in some chick's garden at a house party. Just a filthy bastard. He teaches maths to teenagers now.

 

[Build Black Better]

Remotely shit related. My wife was searching food Cleveland is famous for. I told her they're really famous for Cleveland steamers and to Google it.

She did and told me she hates me.

Tell her there's a funny-looking famous Mexican vato with the nickname Dirty Sanchez and that she needs to look him up on Google. It should work, because clearly she's not up on the scatological terms. Chicks just don't care about learning new shit.

 

[eggfeller]

a few years ago i was at the absolute depths of “alcohol use disorder” & frequently had diarrhea from not eating & chugging whatever booze i could get my hands on. for some reason i was trashed & naked one night & ran to the bathroom barely making it in time. i was so fucked up i fell off the toilet mid-shit & couldn’t pinch it off. it went everywhere, completely coating me in shit. i was at my family’s ranch & went to shower in a different building with better water pressure. my uncle came looking for me in my room during that time & got a noseful & said it was the worst smell he ever encountered. he deserved it

 

[Africa.com]

I had an alcoholic friend. The years and years of liquid shits ruined his butthole and he started shitting his pants in the mid 30s. He came out to a party one time, he shit his pants halfway through the 45 minute drive. He made new pangas by wearing a hoodie upside down, tucked the hood up over his penis and tucked it into the waist like a diaper. I'm still haunted by that sight to this day

 

[Udders]

When I was 14 I went on a school trip and a friend of mine shat in a large cup and spread some with a butter knife on this dork James's cheek while he was sleeping. He woke up with a rash where the turd was and claimed, probably as a cope because a dorm full of boys was laughing at him, that he knew it was wholegrain mustard not shit because he was allergic to it.

The same friend went through a phase of being "the phantom shitter" at school and laying pipe in various toilet sinks around the school. He was never caught and only confessed to our group of friends like 10 years ago. He clearly had some shitting based mental illness because he used to pull down his keks and make potty in public quite frequently. I saw him do it in a phone box on the King's Road in Chelsea, off the side of a barge in Battersea, in some chick's garden at a house party. Just a filthy bastard. He teaches maths to teenagers now.

"Pull down his keks and make potty" is the funniest thing this thread could possibly have in it.

 

[Torque’sHeadBump]

I had a study abroad trip in college (nice privilege, stupid), and I was walking home from a bar in Switzerland. I all of the sudden had the urge to shit and couldn’t hold it any longer so I scurried away into some bushes and just shit my pants, leaving the shit stained underwear for the uppity Swiss to dispose of.

 

[Build Black Better]

My toilet overflowed today

tl;dr - shitty day

 

[guest]

I had an alcoholic friend. The years and years of liquid shits ruined his butthole and he started shitting his pants in the mid 30s. He came out to a party one time, he shit his pants halfway through the 45 minute drive. He made new pangas by wearing a hoodie upside down, tucked the hood up over his penis and tucked it into the waist like a diaper. I'm still haunted by that sight to this day

I think his loose butthole may not have been just from drinking.

 

[Build Black Better]

Here's the best ever episode of Hoarders. Women are disgusting. Their restrooms are filthier and they are the most extreme and unsanitary hoarders. This woman literally hoards and eats shit. Unfortunately this clip doesn't show her tripping and spilling her 5 gallon shit and piss pail on herself while she's trying to carry it.

 

[The Shah of Iran]

My toilet overflowed today

tl;dr - shitty day

View attachment 135996

I like how your TLDR is only 2 words longer than what you're trying to summarise

 

[Build Black Better]

I like how your TLDR is only 2 words longer than what you're trying to summarise

It's 2 words shorter. Nice arithmetic stupid.

 

[The Shah of Iran]

It's 2 words shorter. Nice arithmetic stupid.

I'll see myself out

 

[Patrick O'Neal]

I was having a hard time finding junk, but this one dodgy mate I knew sold me a couple of opium suppositories. I shoved them straight up my rusty saloon doors because I was desperate at that time and started to walk home. Trouble is, coming off the horse really clears your constipation. I had to waddle to the nearest pub like a penguin before my arse exploded. I opened the door and I have to tell you, it must have been the worst toilet in the country. But another threatening rumble from my bowls was a warning not to be too fussy about the facilities. I barely made it to the bowl before my anus turned into a shotgun that nearly cracked the toilet. I felt relief. Relief that soon turned to concern. What about the opium! Well, I held my breath, took a dive down and retrieved them. Well, it was the only junk I had!

And if you think that's bad, my friend Spud has an even worse story.

 

[SpeckofCoppah_mybb]

I remember being at the beach with friends at night. We were horsing around and one guy shat on a slide.
A family came for a late swing on the slide and one of the kids glided on the shit. He got screamed at by his mother for soiling himself. Ribs were hurt.