Patrick "I'm a success by Every Measure" Tomlinson- lets exploreo that

[JoeBrotheChildSpitGuzzler]

Personal: Lost his wife, no he's basically a merkin for his current wife, a tubby pisstoothed bull dyke. Has very few friends because they would probably steal his wife too. Spends all his time at Hooligans with a bunch of middle aged disasters. no contact with this family, abandoned his child(, Child).
Status: Failed
Professional: Writes derivative fiction for which his advances continue to shrink and which don't sell. He has no marketable skills so he would be unable to get all but the most menial job
Status: Failed
Intellectual: He's a retard, and dropped out of CC after a semester and argues like a pants shitting moron
Status: Failed
Financial: is spending money he doesn't have on things while owing a significant amount in legal fees. will either have to declare bankruptcy or liquidate assets himself to pay this back.
Status: Failed
Legacy: None. Books taht not only will be forgotten when he's gone, but are forgotten 3-5 years after they are published. No children. His only daughter wants nothing to do with him and won't remember him.
Status: Failed

What are some of those other metrics of failure we got?

 

[Udders]

Health: Eats nothing but garbage, spends frivolously on home gym equipment, and touts his workout regimen while still looking like a combination of the Pillsbury Dough Boy, Stay Puft, and the Kool-Aid Man. Has been on blood pressure meds for a decade and cheats at half-marathons.
Status: Failed

 

[JoeBrotheChildSpitGuzzler]

Health: Eats nothing but garbage, spends frivolously on home gym equipment, and touts his workout regimen while still looking like a combination of the Pillsbury Dough Boy, Stay Puft, and the Kool-Aid Man. Has been on blood pressure meds for a decade and cheats at half-marathons.
Status: Failed

knew I was forgetting something. Although also "will probably die before 50" might offset his lack of resources for retirement

 

[fusciasomething]

Oral: Sucked Trump’s dick but clearly used his piss teeth (which I demand he go brush) and also looked comically retarded while doing so
Failed

 

[NortheastPhilly]

Him purposely having no friends out of fear of them stealing his wife, is a great take that I hadnt thought of before

 

[AwfulManTitTankTop]

He scammed a few blue hairs into shitty insurance policies which also made him an expert on progressive neurological diseases.

 

[TorqueWheeler]

Excellent work although I think 3-5 years for his books is being mighty generous. In the Black was such a wash it was forgotten about within a week and the only reason anyone knows it exists is because of the generous marketing campaign we ran for free.

Pat’s one achievement In life was getting a bunch of people who already completely agreed with him to like his trolley problem Tweet. He is an embarrassing failure. Fat too.

 

[TorquieTwoBeers]

Tits: Flabby and sagging. Stretched areolas. Graying, badly distributed hairs. Sweaty. Protruding nipples, very disrespectful. Disgusting all around.
Status: Failed.

 

[Stetten's Long Thumbers]

Burned $125K of the SFWAs legal fund oh wait that was actually a win

 

[JoeBrotheChildSpitGuzzler]

Burned $125K of the SFWAs legal fund oh wait that was actually a win

Mental Health
status: Failed

 

[Easily_Remembered]

Claims to be a geek - has no discernable knowledge of actual comic book lore, and has the barest, most scant knowledge of the history and legacy of science fiction. His knowledge on these two subjects are comprised only of what he has gleaned from movie adaptations, Wikipedia, and Twitter consensus.
Status : FAILED

Claims to be a stand up comedian; says alternately that "comedy pays his mortgage", and that he "waits for the laughter to die down". However, all available footage of him performing stand up live reveals only stony silence, coughs, a few scattered pity laughs, many groans, an actual tumbleweed blowing across the stage, audience members setting themselves on fire or committing seppuku, and novelty sized hooks attempting to pull himself off stage, only failing at being able to grip his ample frame.
Status : FAILED

 

[guest]

Ability to detect bullshit - spent months thinking a guy he'd never met before was a journalist who was going to write a Pulitzer length piece about him. Spent hours on the phone with him pouring out his heart and revealing his fears and failures. A 10 second internet search would have revealed the so-called journalist didn't exist. Fat didn't think to do this until months after initiating contact. When laughed at and told it was a scam he turned into a seething, screeching Liberace-voiced lunatic.

Status: Failed

 

['THE NIGGER MAN']

The last car guy
Owns a stable-(citation needed) of Mustangs.

Patrick owned exactly one gimmick Mustang. Used as his daily driver and in such poor condition the seats were patched by an elderly homosexual rodeo clown. This prized collector car also sits unsheltered from the elements next door to government housing.

As one of Patricks few and meagre assets, the Mustang was seized by Quasi to satisfy a court-ordered debt.

Status: Failed

 

[LockedHDD__Pot]

It's impossible for Rick to have friends, 'cus a real friend would tell him when he's wrong & baby boy couldn't take it.