Panera Bread TV Tuesday on a Monday live viewing "write more words, stupid" of the Tom Brady roast.

[HR@PaneraBread]

• Highlights from the roast.

Jeff Ross

• I just came from hell, Aaron Hernandez says hello
• I really wanted Kevin (Hart) to host because he already looks like a deflated football
• Dana White is like Michael Vick but with human beings
• Forum is how Rob Gronkowski counts to five, poor Gronk he thinks his last name is Owski.
• We're doing it Boston Style, it's going to be a marathon and someone's going to bomb

Drew Bledsoe

• There was a rumor Belichick would be here since he's got some time on his hands, at least when I got fired someone wanted me
• Julian Edelman is a true unicorn as a Jewish reciever and defenseman. Belichick offered him the nickel slot but he held out for the dime.
• (to Brady) You got real used to not being touched, just like the end of your marriage
• I'm not saying Tom Brady is gay but he sure did fuck me

Nikki Glazer (or whomever wrote her jokes)

• You really have to hand it to Kevin Hart because he can't reach, he wakes up every morning at 4am to make a shitty movie.
• Gronk is the first person born with CTE, puts the down in touchdown
• Tom lost 30m in crypto, even Gronk said "me know that no real money"

Randy Moss

• Before I was there there was Spygate, after I left there was Deflategate. Why weren't we cheating whilst I was there?
• Do you know how hard it is when your kids ask you why do you not have a ring and all you can say is "they didn't trust me enough to cheat?"
• The only thing you deflated is my legacy

Kim Kardashian is getting booed to fuck,

• Said she'd have written jokes about the roasters but she has no idea who they are

Bert Kreisher and Tom Sugura are going on fast forward and we'll see if he still has a shirt on

Sam Jayne(?)

• Congratulations netflix you've made another white man into a mediocre star. Bert Kreisher you are truly talentless, a disgrace to the legacy of fat funny superstars. I was worried about AI but you're proof that a machine can't write a good script. For a shirtless fat black guy to get that rich he'd have to get hit by a Walmart truck.
• Drew, if you put yourself out your misery tonight you'd still be the 2nd greatest Patriot to do it.
• Tom, for a guy who hates black people you sure do a lot of nigga shit. Wear all your rings, took out an illegal PPP loan and you refuse to raise your kids.

Will Ferrell as Ron Burgundy does a skit, not really funny. It's just about falling in love with Brady. OK actually he's getting roasty now

• In all my years I never saw a more boring QB, the master of the 6 yard slant. Randy was a sexy decoy, the onfield version of Giselle Bundchen
• Watching the Patriots play made me look forward to the fun and excitement of the post game Bill Belichick interview

He brings out Bill Belichick! We're going to see you further into the thread for part 2

 

[HR@PaneraBread]

Bill Belichick

• Ron Burgundy is the only member of the media I respect. They brought me out to lighten the mood up
• Whenever Kevin Hart speaks I go into cover 2 defense (covers his ears)
• I've been telling people to do their job for 20 years and Gronk I've seen you on Fox and I'm telling you now, go do someone elses
• Matt Light's battle with Crohn's disease is the perfect explanation for why he gave me so much shit
• Not so easy running a team, is it Tom?

Julian Edelman

• I figured the next time I'd see you all would be at Kraft's funeral
• Jeff Ross is the kind of Jew that makes you want to join Hamas
• Everyone asks me how big Gronks dick is but I always tell them about this other tight end we had that was hung

Tony Hinchcliffe (we think we're not going back) with a bit, 60 seconds with random audience people: quick summary, Dana White kinda sucked. This is getting skipped.
OK back to it

Gronk...............skip

Andrew Schultz is kinda shit, this is going downhill quick.

Robert Kraft

• Julian, let's be honest and realistic, I'm not inviting you to my funeral

Ben Affleck does a bit about fans trolling him online, this is getting boring. Skip

Peyton Manning

• Belichick is coming on the Manningcast next year to be with QBs he actually respects
• Tom's idea of a good Saturday is going to the Met Gala dressed as a first class general on the death star
• Intros Tom Brady as 3x Superbowl Loser

Brady

• Like the rest of America I'll always remember that fateful day in September of 2001 when tragically those 2 jets slammed into Drew Bledsoe
• I would have done this earlier but I was busy winning championships which explains why Peyton did this 8 years ago
• Kevin Hart, my knees are only fucked because I spent so long begging Netflix to get Chappelle to do this
• Sam Jayne looks like the guy who shredded my ACL
• Kim Kardashian was terrified to come here, mainly because she has to leave the kids at home with her dad
• I'm trying to own a piece of the Raiders, I already own the Colts and the Bills
• Colts are just Broncos that don't fuck
• Philly fans are racists but that's understandable because Kevin Hart is from there
• About Belichick: When they interview a winning Nascar driver they don't ask you "who gassed you car?"

OK this wasn't the best roast ever but it beats fuck out of anything on Netflix, nice to hear some mildly off color humor. Worth watching, or it would be if you weren't reading this far down having had it all spoiled