So my girlfriend said to me… We were talking later that night about the text messages, and she goes, “you know the ass eating thing?” I was like, “yeah.” And she’s like, “I would never eat your ass until you got tested for hepatitis.” And it’s like, Jesus Christ, I understand the science of it, but you know I don’t have AIDS, gonorrhea, syphilis, chlamydia. So it’s like the front is ok, but the back needs further testing? It just felt really annoying and creepy, so now I am obsessed with her eating my ass, and I got tested for hepatitis. I have nothing. I am completely healthy, you know, thanks to the magic of white-out. The way I’m going to break it to her is she’s gonna walk into my living room one time. I’m gonna have my pants around my ankles and my head on the edge of the sofa with my test results taped to my back. “Read the menu, bitch. Brunch is served.”