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For background: autism is only suspected, not diagnosed. I’m waiting on an evaluation for that.
My sons daycare was closed today so I took him to a playgroup that a children centre hosts. I used to take my son to these almost everyday before he started daycare. Back then, he would participate in everything and was so loved by the coordinator, she would hold him during song time or engage with him in whatever he was playing with. He was typically developing and no one would have ever suspected him to be on the spectrum. It wasn’t until it came to speech that the doctor brought it up. Actually, it isn’t really obvious at all until you compare him to his peers.
Today at the playgroup, he spent what felt like 10 minutes pointing to the fish tank by the front door and saying what sounds like “fish” then when we went inside where he spent the entire time dumping fake food out of 3 separate bowls, labelling them and then putting it back and repeating. A couple of times, he’d ask me to eat it. He did stop for a second to take a car near him and go “vroom vroom” but went right back to his activity. I watched as other kids were building blocks, painting, playing with the water table. There was one child who’d come up to me to talk and show me play doh he’d roll into a ball. I couldn’t help but wish it was my son doing that instead of him. And that made me tear up. So embarrassing to be crying in a place like that. If a child touched his fruit, he’d scream at them. A kid went near the toy kitchen he was getting the food out of and tried to push them back. He very briefly went over to see what the kid beside him was building with the coordinator and she held his hand to get him to come join and he screamed and ran back to his fruit bowl. The same coordinator who’s held him, played with him and sang songs with him. She of course backed off and didn’t engage with him after that. It made me sad to see the change.
Then came the clean up song. All the other kids were paying attention and cleaning up. My son screamed at me for taking the fruit but quickly stopped and let me clean up. I knew he probably couldn’t handle getting into a circle and singing songs so I got him out of there. He didn’t want to leave so I let him look at the fish for a bit. I watched through the glass windows, the coordinator singing and making hand motions with the children and I broke down when I got flashbacks of my little baby sitting there so engaged and doing the wheels on the bus motions. It took forever to get my son out but we eventually did and I cried in the car (he laughed at me for that), mourning the outings I thought I’d have with my son. I know they say diagnosis or not it’s still the same kid but it sure doesn’t feel that way.
I thought the doctor might be wrong because he plays with daycare kids and has played with kids he just met but his style of play just makes it so obvious he’s on the spectrum. Please don’t give me the autism isn’t a death sentence talk. I know it’s not but I’m still going to grieve. I wish I could stop treating my son like his life is over but I can’t help but feel sad for him.
My sons daycare was closed today so I took him to a playgroup that a children centre hosts. I used to take my son to these almost everyday before he started daycare. Back then, he would participate in everything and was so loved by the coordinator, she would hold him during song time or engage with him in whatever he was playing with. He was typically developing and no one would have ever suspected him to be on the spectrum. It wasn’t until it came to speech that the doctor brought it up. Actually, it isn’t really obvious at all until you compare him to his peers.
Today at the playgroup, he spent what felt like 10 minutes pointing to the fish tank by the front door and saying what sounds like “fish” then when we went inside where he spent the entire time dumping fake food out of 3 separate bowls, labelling them and then putting it back and repeating. A couple of times, he’d ask me to eat it. He did stop for a second to take a car near him and go “vroom vroom” but went right back to his activity. I watched as other kids were building blocks, painting, playing with the water table. There was one child who’d come up to me to talk and show me play doh he’d roll into a ball. I couldn’t help but wish it was my son doing that instead of him. And that made me tear up. So embarrassing to be crying in a place like that. If a child touched his fruit, he’d scream at them. A kid went near the toy kitchen he was getting the food out of and tried to push them back. He very briefly went over to see what the kid beside him was building with the coordinator and she held his hand to get him to come join and he screamed and ran back to his fruit bowl. The same coordinator who’s held him, played with him and sang songs with him. She of course backed off and didn’t engage with him after that. It made me sad to see the change.
Then came the clean up song. All the other kids were paying attention and cleaning up. My son screamed at me for taking the fruit but quickly stopped and let me clean up. I knew he probably couldn’t handle getting into a circle and singing songs so I got him out of there. He didn’t want to leave so I let him look at the fish for a bit. I watched through the glass windows, the coordinator singing and making hand motions with the children and I broke down when I got flashbacks of my little baby sitting there so engaged and doing the wheels on the bus motions. It took forever to get my son out but we eventually did and I cried in the car (he laughed at me for that), mourning the outings I thought I’d have with my son. I know they say diagnosis or not it’s still the same kid but it sure doesn’t feel that way.
I thought the doctor might be wrong because he plays with daycare kids and has played with kids he just met but his style of play just makes it so obvious he’s on the spectrum. Please don’t give me the autism isn’t a death sentence talk. I know it’s not but I’m still going to grieve. I wish I could stop treating my son like his life is over but I can’t help but feel sad for him.
: HAHA HOLY SHIIIIIIIT TRAINS! *rocks back and forth* better not be a train of blacks on a white girl!
: *wheezes without looking anyone in the eye*
